The pressure in my body dropped. Everything in me kicked into survival mode. Failure was not an option. Sweat beaded up along my forehead. Standing up to my mom was incredibly difficult to do. How do you stand up to someone who will do anything at any cost to win and prove she’s right? Over time, I felt more out of balance with her than in balance.
Granted, my parents were amazing growing up with a dash of craziness. What family doesn’t have their own dose of dysfunction? My mom has a dominant personality and in some ways, likes things to center around her ideas, her beliefs, and her thoughts. My dad was some sort of an enigma, so to describe him is a little difficult. I enjoyed their company, but as the years went on — I found my own identity being eclipsed by the dominant factor of my parents.
After a while I wondered:
Were my thoughts my own — or were they my mother’s?
Were my paranoia’s my own – or were they my father’s?
Were my beliefs my own — or were they my mother’s?
Was my outlook on life my own — or were they my mother’s?
For weeks, I knew I needed to ….. Balance myself and find out where They ended and I began.
It was time to make my own mark on the world in my own way. It was time to think my own thoughts. It was time to raise my children with my beliefs. It was time to enjoy my marriage without having someone else’s opinion.
Please don’t get me wrong. I love my mother very much. I just didn’t see myself as an individual person anymore. I felt more like a robot who mimicked what my mother wanted because it was easier that way to keep the peace. My mother can keep at a topic for days, so in some ways — just agree and silently disagree — was the only avenue towards peace.
My spirit guide told me to leave because a huge melt down was imminent. This was another issue: cyclic meltdowns. I couldn’t do it anymore. Fighting and arguing is not my thing. My mother lived for fighting and arguing. Ugh. My independent thinking of moving out of the house did not sit well with my parents.
The melt down happened.
I’ll spare you the details.
The chips fell where they fell. There’s not much anyone can do about the events, but what I’ve learned in the years I’ve been on my own — truly on my own — is that there were many things I did not agree with. My own thoughts and beliefs surfaced. Many of them were vastly different than those of my parents.
New, revitalized growth is good. It’s a sign that you’re connected with your spirit.
When you separate yourself from others, you really see the true nature of your spirit. — Meli Halstead
I nurtured my soul, connected with my spirit, and became my own person in my own right. It has been such an adventure writing my new life because each day is unexpected. I’ve connected with my true belief system and it’s very different than the one I was around.
Does this make my parent’s belief system bad? No, it makes it appropriate for them. And if that is what works for them, then so be it. They did the very best with what they knew when they raised their family. I have no ill will towards them. There are bits and bobs of cool things they did that I will cherish.
Granted, I miss my parents and would love to talk with them. Aside from the dysfunction, my parents did have good hearts and we had good moments. What’s more is during the course of my journey, I realized we have different attitudes regarding grudges. I don’t believe in them and feel they waste a lot of energy. My parents feel differently.
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Meli Halstead is a kickass intuitive teacher who helps writers get their stories written using a variety of oracles. She has held several workshops to help writers get their thoughts into book form. Her goal for the 2014 – 2015 year is to help 1300 writers write their book. She has written and published several short stories in her life time. She also gives a voice to those who are trapped in the cruel world of human trafficking. She blogs regularly atwww.writersoracle.com.
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